Pop Haydn wins GACP nomination
I am proud to announce that I have become the nominee of the Greater American Confidence Party for President of the United States.
I am honored and nearly humbled.
Thank you all for your support!
I promise to run a clean campaign. I do not intend to even mention the other two candidates much less sling dirt on them. I don’t think I am any better a man than either of the other major candidates–both Romney and Obama are professional politicians just like me. Instead of attacks against my opponents, I intend to run on ideas–it is a lot cheaper than coal or gas, and I have an endless supply.
I want to govern from the center, with the money people and special interests on one side and the politicians on the other. I will be cutting up the pot. The people will be getting the same deal as always, but I promise to lower the overhead through better management.
For one thing, we can outsource the current congress. This will not only make things much more efficient, it will be much cheaper. You can buy third world politicians for much less than an American senator or congressman. They will have every bit as much concern for the taxpayers as our current bunch. Besides, having this sort of competition from the leaner and hungrier politicians from developing countries will help make our own politicians work harder and get back that edge they seem to have lost. This could greatly enhance their productivity.
I have no intention of deceiving the public. I am always honest, in my political speeches just as I am in my medicine oil pitches…people may find themselves sometimes a bit befogged by the preciseness and technicality of the language that I use, but I only lie once in a very great while…and then only when cornered or provoked.
I am in it for myself, folks! I only want the money. Power means little to me, as it requires too great a degree of responsibility. But I am not that greedy a person, either. I just want to live comfortably with little effort. In return, I will organize the crime and graft in Washington. I will cut out all the middlemen, eliminate duplication and therefore reduce the expense to the public.
I will provide the same quality of government that the people are used to, but at a much lower cost.
Some people see the many great challenges facing government, I see the many great opportunities facing me.
I am sorry that the convention and its activities were not announced publicly, but we thought it best to keep the convention completely virtual. Without any real or living delegates, politicians and actors, we were able to have a perfect convention–No hiccups, no mistakes, no goofs. Everything went smoothly and efficiently.
I will post photos this week.
I intend to reveal no details of my plans for changes once I am in office. No one wants to watch sausage being made…ha ha…
But the general economic plans I have outlined should be apparent to even a third grader. I don’t want to deceive anyone. I will be just like any other politician; but, if you elect me you won’t feel like such a dupe!
You will know what you are getting, and can never be disappointed…
Two years from now, no matter who wins this election you will be able to say:
“Don’t blame me–I voted for Pop!”