I want to thank all of you for the wonderful support you have shown for me, for our party and for this important campaign.

We intend to wage a virtual fight for virtual truths, and for completely virtual goals. This election is too important to focus on the things of real importance to the American people and to our children and grandchildren–apparently.

Therefore, we intend to offer ridiculous ideas and many contradictory airy promises and have no intention to deliver on any of them.

The Greater American Confidence Party, or the “Con-Partiers” as we like to call ourselves, represent that thin and eccentric “sanity fringe” of American politics. A vote for us is a vote–not for better government–but for cheaper government.

I believe that in voting for me for president in 2012, you will be getting the kind of government you both expect and deserve.

I am exactly the kind of person and politician anyone with the sense God gave a grape would assume me to be; I don’t make any pretenses. I am not greedy, and I am not an elitist–I will split 50/50 with anyone, great or small.

Don’t be disappointed again! This time, for once, you can vote for a sure-thing!

Put confidence back in the American government!

We will give you the same kind of government you have grown to expect, but at a much cheaper price.

I think that we can find a way to outsource the Congress and the Senate, by getting much cheaper politicians from undeveloped nations.

They may not be any better, but they could work for much lower benefits and pay, and are used to a much smaller scale of graft.

I think that it is only fair that our politicians play on a level playing field with politicians from impoverished nations, and I am convinced they can still compete in the political marketplace if they give it that old American “We can do it!” attitude.

But the easy-flying days are over!

Our politicians need to regain their edge by competing for their jobs with the tough and hungry politicians of the third world.

This could really be better for everyone. There are a lot of experienced, avaricious and ruthless politicians out of jobs right now because of the disruptions in the Middle East and Africa.

I think they could quickly adapt to the Washington environment, and would have every bit the concern for the welfare of the American working people as those who are there now.

There is more to honesty than merely telling the truth; and true truth-telling is much more nuanced and circumscribed by both discretion and concern for others in real life, and it is more lively and more honest in intent than it is earthbound and moribund with fact, and therefore, you could say that I am a thoroughly honest politician, one with unfeigned sincerity, earnestness and a degree of humility that clearly puts me a cut above others seeking this high office.

I promise you I will never lie to the American people without a really, really good reason.

Together we can accomplish great things.

I plan to work really hard to achieve things I couldn’t have considered possible without your encouragement, your unalloyed trust, and without your jaded, sarcastic and obviously perverse sense of humor.

We intend to have some fun, poke some balloons, and generally question authority and raise a rumpus.

Thank you for your kind attention.

–Pop Haydn
Certifiable Genius